In mental health discourse, we frequently discuss boundary-setting guilt: the fact that sometimes, setting boundaries hurts the people that we love. But we rarely acknowledge the fact that the person setting boundaries is often heartbroken, too. 

By heartbroken, I don’t mean “feeling guilty” or “experiencing sympathetic pain for others’ pain.” I mean personally heartbroken: mourning the ease, intimacy, familiarity, love, or idealized future the relationship offered before the boundary was set.

Being able to acknowledge, and tend to, our heartbreak separate from our guilt is crucial to our healing⁠—and in this article, I’ll explain how.