5 ways you can release guilt to set important boundaries.
In my experience coaching clients around the world, the biggest obstacle holding people back from setting boundaries is their fear of guilt.
As recovering people-pleasers, many of us have spent our lives avoiding guilt at all costs. We’ve committed to events, said yes when we meant no, and plastered on false smiles all to avoid that sinking, murky feeling that we’ve done something wrong.
Guilt is a challenging emotion for everyone, but for the recovering people-pleaser, it’s a particularly existential sort of challenging. That’s because somewhere along the way — whether it was from our caregivers, our church, our culture, or beyond — we learned that our worth lie in making others happy and putting their needs first.
Self-sacrifice was the pathway to worthiness. To actively risk displeasing others by putting our own needs and limitations first can cause an identity crisis — and a tidal wave of certain guilt that we’ve done something bad.
If we’re working to break the people-pleasing pattern and set empowered boundaries, we will experience guilt. It’s an inevitable growing pain as we teach our minds and hearts that prioritizing ourselves is an okay thing to do.
Facing the certainty of guilt, we have two options. We can design our lives and choices around guilt — as we’ve done for years — or we can learn how to tolerate and self-soothe through guilt so that it doesn’t hold us back.
Our goal doesn’t need to be to never feel guilty. Our goal can be to develop Guilt Resiliency so that we can move through guilt and continue to set the boundaries that make our lives feel free, empowered, and self-sovereign.
Here are five practical methods for developing Guilt Resiliency:
Method #1: Change the Story You’re Telling Yourself
Did you know that how you feel about your emotions affects your experience of those emotions? Research shows that individuals who judge their emotions as “bad” or “wrong” actually experience those emotions more negatively — while individuals who accept their emotions experience far less negative emotion.
The stories we tell ourselves about our feelings matter. What stories have you been telling yourself about your guilt?
When we’re mired in the guilt that follows a particularly difficult boundary, we recovering people-pleasers might tell ourselves a story like this:
I feel so guilty about setting that boundary with Mom about visiting for the holidays. I feel terrible, like an awful daughter… I don’t know if I can handle it. Doing the right thing should NEVER feel this bad. I feel sick to my stomach. It’s definitely a sign that I’ve done something wrong.
It’s no wonder many of us redact our boundaries shortly after setting them when guilt is in the driver’s seat.
We can develop guilt resiliency by rewriting our stories to normalize our guilt and make it an important — even useful — part of our experience. That new story might look something like this:
I feel guilty about setting that boundary with Mom about visiting for the holidays — but I know that guilt is a growing pain. I’ve needed to set this boundary for years now, and I know that the guilt I feel is a sign that I’m finally putting myself first after a lifetime of being told I shouldn’t. I’m breaking decades-old patterns and frankly, it would be weirder if I didn’t feel it. It’s not a sign that I’ve done something wrong — it’s a sign that I’m doing something new.
What a relief, right?
Remember: Every single recovering people-pleaser has to soldier through this guilt to come out the other side. It’s a prerequisite to the lives we want to be living.
Method #2: Consider the Hidden Positive Benefits
Guilt is a blinding emotion. It trains its attention on all we’ve done wrong and leaves no space for us to consider all the positive benefits of our boundaries — benefits not only to ourselves, but to the boundary recipients, too.
Refocusing our attention on the potential short- and long-term benefits of the boundary can be an important reframe to soothe our guilt. (We identify positive benefits of boundary-setting in my on-demand workshop Boundaries 101 for the Recovering People-Pleaser.)
Ask yourself: How might the recipient benefit, in the short or long term, from being on the receiving end of this boundary? Depending on the boundary, this reframe can shed light on a host of hidden benefits, such as:
They’ll hear that their behavior makes me/others uncomfortable, and have the opportunity to change it.
They’ll finally know how I really feel instead of being confused by my avoidance.
They won’t feel my resentment for not mind-reading my needs.
We might be able to develop a more sustainable relationship in the future.
They won’t have a relationship with someone who resents them any more — and maybe they’ll have more space to find a more aligned partner/friend/etc. when I leave.
And at the bare minimum, when we set boundaries with others, we bring honesty, transparency, and authenticity into those relationships. We no longer lie, mislead, or perform to create the illusion of harmony, which is a benefit. When asked, who would say “I want my partner/friends/parents to lie to me?”
Method #3: Get In Touch With Your Big Why
When recovering people-pleasers set boundaries, we’re not just “saying no to the party” or just “telling our friend we can’t be their therapist anymore.”
For many of us, setting boundaries is how we’re rewriting decades-old — or generations-old — patterns of self-sacrifice, silence, and resentment. It’s a big deal, y’all.
Getting in touch with the Big Why behind our boundary-setting helps us stay focused on the big picture. Ask yourself: “What is my deepest intention for setting this boundary?” You might also inquire:
Why am I doing this?
Who am I becoming as I speak my truth and set hard boundaries?
Who will I inspire along the way?
Which core values will I embody?
Examples of a Big Why might include:
I’m setting boundaries to become a person who speaks their truth and lives in their integrity.
I’m setting boundaries to role model self-advocacy for my children.
I’m setting boundaries to break a generations-old pattern of women who self-sacrifice, stay silent, and don’t fulfill their dreams.
I’m setting boundaries to build a world where relationships include honest, authentic communication about each party’s needs and limitations.
I’m setting boundaries because I believe in a world where, as @sensitivesocialworker writes, “instead of expecting yourself to toughen up and develop thicker skin, you create boundaries that honor your softness and sensitivity.”
Write down your Big Why and stick it somewhere visible. On your bathroom sink or the fridge. Make it your phone background. Stick it on the dashboard of your car. Tattoo it on your forehead. Whatever — just keep it close.
Method #4: Complete the Stress Cycle
Authors Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski’s book Burnout explains what happens to our minds and bodies when we’re overwhelmed from being stuck in deep, hard emotions like guilt.
When we experience intense emotion in the form of guilt, fear, or overwhelm, our bodies go into overdrive. The conditions that created the emotions are, of course, stressful, but stress itself — the physical, palpable energy of stress — lives in our bodies, too. Just changing our external circumstances doesn’t do anything to “complete the stress cycle” and eject that potent energy from our bodies.
We must complete the stress cycle in order for our nervous systems to regulate and re-enter a calmer, more manageable state. You might recognize you need to complete the stress cycle when you’re feeling physically and emotionally taxed, panicked, have racing thoughts, can’t stop ruminating on your “badness,” or can’t stop future-tripping about “what’s gonna happen to your relationship.”
Knowing how to complete the stress cycle is a critical self-soothing skill as we navigate the challenging emotional terrain of guilt. The Nagoski sisters offer seven, research-supported strategies that complete the stress cycle, and they are:
Physical activity
Deep breathing
Positive social interaction
Laughter
Affection
Crying
Creative Expression
Just putting on a song and dancing — or having a long hug from a friend — can help reset your nervous system. And the cool thing is, we don’t even need to resolve the original difficulty that stressed us out in order to complete the stress cycle. Our guilt isn’t going to magically disappear, but we can use these tactics to keep guilt (and the subsequent stress) within a tolerable range.
Method #5: Get Some External Validation (Yes, Really!)
When our guilt feels all-encompassing, sometimes we need more than reframes and a dance. Sometimes we need external support to remind us of our goodness — and to remind us that we’re right where we’re supposed to be.
Autonomy, self-love, and DIY are all the rage these days, but at the end of the day, we’re social creatures, and we need each other. There’s no shame in needing a pick-me-up from a friend, therapist, or coach to get you through the darkest waters of guilt.
When I was setting my most challenging-ever boundary with my parents, it was extremely hard for me to “focus on my big why” or “reframe the guilt.” I was breaking patterns I’d been upholding since childhood, and every bone in my body was screaming: “You’re a bad daughter. You can’t do this.”
That time, what got me through were my friends and my therapist. Their consistent reminders that I was entitled to this boundary—and that nothing would ever change until I spoke that truth —motivated me to do the right, hard thing.
Tell your friends about your work setting boundaries, and ask if they’ll be your cheerleaders in difficult moment. If you’re able, set up some sessions with a therapist or coach who can be in your corner when the going gets rough.
My debut book Stop People-Pleasing and Find Your Power walks you through the process of releasing guilt step-by-step so you can set the boundaries you need. Order it here today.